A Bit Of The Other

The News, Not Reality

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Budget Win: Conroy’s Internet Filter to Turn into Giant Porn Paywall

May 9th, 2012 · News

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  • In the federal budget 1,000 staff will be cut from the Defence force. They’ll be sent to Afghanistan without a bulletproof vest.
  • Billions will be cut from the budget by taking Craig Thomson’s credit card off him.
  • Extra money will be made turning Senator Conroy’s Internet filter into a paywall. You pay the government to access porn.
  • The weather bureau is to trial online advertising. They said it will be a relief to have something on the website less believable than their forecasts.
  • Ageing surgeons are to undergo health checks. At the Royal North Shore hospital they’ll be asked to recall which corridor they left their patient in waiting for a bed.
  • A 1,100 page report has found 150 breaches of HSU rules by Craig Thomson. The report was funded by classified advertising for massage parlours on the last 20 pages.

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Abbott Supports Skilled Migration, to Fill his Front Bench

May 2nd, 2012 · News

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  • Tony Abbott says the coalition’s migration policy is to bring in skilled workers, who can form his front bench.
  • Radioactive waste will now be stored near Lucas Heights. Councils will issue residents with a yellow recycling bin, with the waste collected every Thursday. They are being urged not to mix their radioactive waste with paper, card and plastic bottles.
  • The fraud squad his raided the Health Services Union offices this morning. After spending four hours with union officials several officers are now claiming time off with back ache and threatening strike action for more pay.
  • The question everyone is asking is, will the banks pass on the rate cut. The ANZ has said yes, they’ll pass on it.
  • Kristina Keneally has suggested Julia Gilard should ditch the carbon tax. She also says she needs a better hairdresser.
  • The Labour party is now so unpopular that US intelligence has stopped hunting for Joseph Kony and they’re out looking for Gillard and Swan.

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Gillard goes to Gallipoli to get a foretaste of massive defeat

April 26th, 2012 · News

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  • The US has stepped up efforts to hunt down Joseph Kony. CIA operatives were directed to the recent YouTube movie, but went to the wrong video and inadvertently arrested the Old Spice man.
  • Julia Gillard went to Gallipoli this week. She said she could relate to soldiers going in to fight in a battle they had no hope of winning.
  • Tony Windsor has said he wants to see the back of Peter Slipper. Slipper said he’s welcome to, although he prefers to be a top.
  • Vodafone is to buy phone company Cable & Wireless. They were going to buy Telstra but the queue was too long at the Telstra shop.
  • Mad cow disease has been found in California. Doctors said they had no idea how long Charlie Sheen has had it for.
  • Robin Gibb’s doctors fear the worst. That he might soon be well enough to make another record.

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Gillard brings troops back to fight in Western Sydney

April 19th, 2012 · News

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  • A business body has suggested that Fair Work’s reputation has been so tarnished by the HSU probe that it should change its name. The suggestion was made to the Prime Minister Judith Millard.
  • Tony Abbott says the Catholic Church isn’t solely responsible for child abuse. It’s also responsible for corruption, murder, dodgy property deals and an untenable position on climate change.
  • Molly Meldum has appeared on TV. His speech is slurred and he appears incoherent. In other words, a full recovery.
  • Tobacco companies have taken the government to court claiming plain packaging means they can no longer distinguish themselves from other ways of killing yourself.
  • Julia Gillard is to bring Afghan troops home before the next election. She broke the news whilst distributing how to vote cards in Kabul this week.
  • The troops will be redeployed in another world trouble spot – Western Sydney.

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Corby struggles with long sentence – and spelling.

April 5th, 2012 · News

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  • It’s possible Schapelle Corby could have her 20 year jail term cut short. She might be able to leave in just two years – so long as she packs the bags herself this time.
  • It is clear that Corby has always struggled with the long sentence. She’s also had difficulty with the apostrophes, the spelling and the use of the past pluperfect.
  • The Justice Ministry said she could be granted clemency – and allow her to go free if she knows what clemency means.
  • Fair Work Australia has written a 1,100 page report, identifying 181 breaches of workplace laws by the Health Services Union. Actually the report is only 800 pages long, the last 300 pages are advertisements for brothels.
  • There still remains the big question as to whether Craig Thomson used a union credit card to pay for prostitutes, or whether he paid cash.
  • Prostitutes have denied sleeping with Craig Thomson, saying they have standards to maintain.

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