The Prime Minister has admitted she is considering a Pacific solution to the question of where to put all the redundant Telstra middle managers.
Quaint old fashioned language is to be edited out of all Enid Blyton’s books. People who want to hear quaint old fashioned language can still listen in to Radio National.
Julia Gillard has denied that she said there was no point in increasing pensions because old people never vote Labor, adding “even if I had said it they probably wouldn’t have been able to hear anyway”.
Tony Hayward is to resign from BP to be replaced by someone more popular with American people. Jennifer Lopez is expected to get the gig.
A yacht made out of plastic bottles arrived in Sydney this week. It will now sail to South Australia where the owner will get 5 cents back on each bottle.
Pacnet is to build a new internet cable to American. It will add extra capacity, but all traffic will travel via New Zealand which means some vowels might be affected in trunsut.
More Australians are eating out. Thanks to the economy most are eating out of newspapers, sitting on park benches.
London has announced there are just two years to go to the Olympic games. Anyone wanting a parking spot is advised to set off now.
The worm has shown that men prefer Abbott, women like Gillard and the cats prefer Julie Bishop.
Oprah has given the Duchess of York her own prime time TV show after she promised she could get Prince Andrew on for fifty grand.
Julia Gillard has promised $277 million in suicide prevention if Labor wins the next election. A bigger figure will be needed if Tony Abbott wins the next election.
Belinda Neal is to stand for election as the only member of the “Don’t You Know Who I Am Party”.
The Sex Party is to do a deal with the Greens. Basically it means if you vote for the Greens, you’re f***d.
Telstra has been fined $18.5 million for locking competitors out of telephone exchanges. In future the telco intends to lock competitors inside their telephone exchanges.
Tony Abbott burnt his fingers this week trying to cremate WorkChoices after he had already buried it.
Julia Gillard has said Kevin Rudd is also cremated and buried, so she can “move forward”.
A new remix of “Two Tribes” has been released by MC-PD, yo!
Frankie Goes to Canberra – Two Tribes (2010 Election Remix)
Labor MP Laurie Ferguson says old people are worried that refugees will affect their lifestyle – although, in truth, not as much as haemorrhoids and arthritis.
ABC has announced their new digital news channel. Available for those with HD-TVs it will have 24 viewers, 7 days a week.
Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott will face voters on live TV on Sunday night. It was to be scheduled at the same time as Masterchef, but was rescheduled when Gillard insist they “move forward”.
In a desperate bid for ratings they’ll each bake a multi-layer chocolate cake.
6.30 on Sunday clashes with a rerun of Mother and Son. Programmers are considering, instead, running it even earlier, so it will be up against Benny Hinn.
Christine Nixon has resigned from the Bushfire authority to spend even more time at dinner parties.
Telstra is to sack 330 senior executives. They will be replaced by octopuses who are cheaper and make better decisions.
The Boeing 787 Dreaminer made its first trip out of the US this week. The lightweight aircraft is made entirely out of Balsa Wood, so has to avoid flying in wet weather.
Julia Gillard says there will always be room for Kevin Rudd in her cabinet, it just might be a bit dark and airless in there.
Newspaper tycoon Conrad Black has been freed from prison, but will have to remain behind a paywall for several more years.
Kevin Rudd could be in line for a job as an adviser on climate change to the UN., in particular dealing with detailed programmatic specificity.
A 10 metre whale jumped onto a yacht off the coast of South Africa yesterday. It is believed it wants to be taken to Australia to seek asylum from the Japanese.
Today is the last day to adjust your electoral details. For example, 330 former Telstra employees will be changing their postal address from the Eastern suburbs to somewhere in Blakctown.
Liberal Mark Banwell has compared Labor’s school building program to the holocaust. Strange how we didn’t choose to make the comparison to the unflued gas heaters issue.
UK astronomers have spotted the biggest star ever. It’s Orson Wells – admittedly it takes a while for the image to reach us.
Jackie O has been told she is not pregnant after all. Experts say the morning sickness was felt by anyone who listened to Kyle Sandilands.
Meanwhile Kyle has split from his wife. Marriage counsellors put it down to him being a bit of a git.
Roman Polanski will not be extradited by Switzerland, a country he visited to stock up on chocolate and other kiddies treats.
Julia Gillard described Bob Hawke as her role model this week, before sculling a yard of ale, having an affair with Blanche d’Apulget and saying she was off to fix up the pilots’ strike.
Facebook has installed a panic button on its site, and has urged children to use it if ever they are contacted by an aged film director living in Switzerland.
Julia Gillard has been told a tax deduction on school uniforms is not enticing enough for voters, so she’s going to add an half price dry cleaning voucher, that will be printed on the back of the How to Vote brochure at the election.
Australia’s high commissioner to Fiji has now been asked to leave by Commodore Banarama. This follows an earlier restriction on the use of watersports and the removal of the inclusion of an all-you-can-eat breakfast.
Scientists have discovered that the brain can automatically rewire itself after an injury. Research has shown this approach is at least ten times safer than rewiring the brain using Jayant Patel and a soldering iron.
BP has successfully placed a new cap on the Gulf of Mexico oil leak. This time the cap was be fitted by a trained gynaecologist.
Latest polls show Labor ahead in the opinion polls, mainly for the sadistic fascination of seeing Julia Gillard dumped by her own party a couple of years down the track.
The Octopus who predicted the winner of the World Cup could have psychic powers that enabled him to see into the future, as distinct from World Cup referees who can’t see a goal even if its scored 20 meters in front of them.
The French parliament has voted for a ban on veils. They managed to slip into the legislation knee-high rainbow socks, bum bags and leggings for people over a certain weight.
The animal rights group PETA says Paul the psychic octopus should be released. The Dutch world cup team agree, suggesting it should be allowed to choose its own future, as sushi or takoyaki.
A European spacecraft took photos during a fly-by of a massive asteroid. The bad news is the asteroid could hit the earth somewhere west of Perth. Worst still, the photos show at least 100 asylum seekers are on board.
PNG is being considered as a centre for processing asylum seekers. The government there said they have a food processing plant that could easily be adapted for the purpose.
The YMCA is to be renamed The Y, ruining the song by the Village People, who will now update it to sing “It’s Fun To Eat At The KFC Eh?
Julian Burnside has said it will take 20 years to fill the MCG with illegal arrivals. Julia Gillard has said ramped up security at the turnstiles will stop that happening.
Julia Gillard has denied she is copying the Howard governments Pacific Solution. She deliberately chose East Timor as a place to send boat people because it’s not in the Pacific.
NSW police has applied under the anti-bikie law to have the Hells Angel s outlawed. If successful they’ll next try Bicycle NSW.
The Dalai Lama turned 75 this week, but after 50 years negotiating he still hasn’t received an agreement with China on the future of Tibet. Instead Julia Gillard is to depose him as the spiritual leader and says she’ll have it sorted out by the weekend.
Paul Keating denies running a red light. He said he always stops at red lights, sometimes staying there till late in the evening.
Scientists have discovered that using Windows 7 to view Google maps of an area undergoing an earthquake can cause the window to minimise all by itself.
A survey has shown most Australians are against late-term abortions. Most believe girls should actually have abortions before term has started so it doesn’t interfere with their schoolwork.
Men at work are to pay 5% royalties for ripping off substantial parts from the children’s song that goes “Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree, where women blow and men chunder”.
Julia Gillard wants to control the size of Australia’s population. She’s going to reinstate Jayant Patel’s licence to practise surgery.
Newsagents in NSW must hide cigarettes from view from today. If someone really wants a packet they must ask for it. If successful the ban could be extended to include the Daily Telegraph.
Julia Gillard says there is no God. She believes there was a higher being but said “I just got rid of him”.
Australia is accused of bribing bid officials for the 2022 world cup by slipping gifts to them, although a FIFA referee said he didn’t see anything and asked them to play on.
There is to be a revamped version of Masterchef to appeal to Channel 7 viewers. In it overweight families compete to order-in the most filling takeaway food.
Roger Federer crashed out of Wimbledon after a formidable opponent in the quarter finals. It was Germany.
The International Cricket Council has rejected an application for John Howard to be its next vice-president on the basis that even he wasn’t boring enough. There’s a strong chance evidence will be found to support an appeal.
Tony Abbott has unveiled a $1.5b mental health plan. Psychologists say it’ll cost more than that to sort him out.
Julia Gillard has had top secret talks with mining bosses – so secret she forgot to tell them about it.
Swimmers braved the waters at the Bondi Icebergs yesterday,on the coldest June morning for 61 years. One swimmer complained about a cold snap, but surgeons are hopeful of sewing it back on.
There was a 24 hour protest in Greece against government austerity measures. Riot police were sent in and managed to pick up $2,000 from the pockets of the protestors.
New research shows the world could run out of oil within 50 years – 100 years if BP manages to fix its spill.
The US is considering blowing up the BP rig gushing oil into the Gulf of Mexico, ideally with Tony Hayward on it.
European bankers will have a cap placed on their salaries. Bankers say it’s unlikely to work because the cap is going to placed there by BP.
Julia Howard is to counter opposition to migrants by asking them all to stay indoors where they can’t be seen.
Athletes who drink a lot of coffee improve their performance by as much as six percent according to Scientists, except during the marathon, when they stop for a cappuccino and a chocolate croissant.
Rove McManus is to leave Australia to pursue a career on US daytime TV. Julia Gillard is to talk with Obama to see if they can also take Eddie MacGuire.
The Labor party is to change Prime Minister once a fortnight. Nothing to do with opinion polls, they just all want to get hold of the super benefits.
BP has been quick to rebuke rumours that they had anything to do with the leadership spill in the Labor party. claim it is nothing to do with them.
Kevin Rudd, desperate to hang on to his leadership, is reported to have said “look if you want a woman Prime Minister, I’m prepared to have the operation”.
At the next election people will be able to vote at their nearest mine to vote for which magnate will pick the next leader of the country.
Kevin Rudd is disappointed in the way the challenge has happened. He said a challenge should have happen at the right time, in the right place – at 20 past 8 on Sunrise with Mel and Kochy.
General McChrystal has been sacked for criticizing President Obama. This automatically entitles him to a hosting spot on Fox News.
David Jones’ CEO has been sacked after discovering that women’s underwear half off was only acceptable in a mid season sale, not during a cocktail party.
Mark McInnes has left David Jones for a culture where mistreatment of women is more acceptable. He’s joined the Taliban. He also likes the desert for his soft sand training.
An attempt to broker a deal over an acceptable number of whales who could be killed by the Japanese reached an impasse when the whales failed to show to the meeting.
The new British PM did however offer the slaughter of the Welsh for scientific purposes.
East Timor President Jose Ramos-Horta has raised the issue of gas with Kevin Rudd. Mr Rudd suggested he tried chewing his food more and eating less beans.
The new Liberal MP for Penrith will not take a seat in parliament until August. The trains out that way are so infrequent.
Telstra will be paid billions of dollars by the National Broadband Network for all the holes it has in the ground. The world price of holes has sky rocketed making Swiss Cheese completely unaffordable.
A Japanese space capsule is covered in dust from a distant asteroid. It proves that if aliens exist they’re not very big on housework.
Google is to scan 400,000 Australian library books. It could take some time though because they’re only able to get four books out at once.
A read through Samuel Pepys Diary from 1666, just before the Great Fire of London, reveals an early reference to a home insulation scheme.
England is reviewing its sponsorship deal with Lurpak, under which their goalie was smothered from head to toe in butter in their world cup opener against the USA.
Florida now has a black Governor. He just went for a swim in the Gulf of Mexico.
The Socceroos expect a better result in the second game of the World Cup after they being told they’re supposed to shoot the other way in the second half.
Malcolm Turnbull has said he doesn’t seek leadership of the Liberal party, but will serve in whatever capacity his colleagues ask him to. Several of them asked him for a cup of tea, and a further two told him to pick up their dry cleaning.
Under new Fair Work flexible work arrangements Kerry O’Brien will be able to present the 7.45 Report on nights when he has to drop the kids off at football practice.
Under new measures to extend fuel reserves, the Gulf of Mexico will have 10 per cent ethanol added to it this week.
Flooding rains mean Lake Eyre is now brimming with life. Why, just yesterday a solo 16 year old sailor was rescued from it.
Monica Lewinsky has denied having sex with the new Japanese Prime Minister, despite the telltale stain on her dress – it was sperm whale.
Sting tries to get to sleep during one of his concerts
The NSW budget has been balanced with a super pocket money tax. The government will take 40 per cent of anything given to rich kids by their parents. Some have complained that it’s just another tax on minors.
A New Year’s Eve concert with Sting has been scrapped because the NSW government wants people to stay awake long enough to see the fireworks.
Clive Palmer has said he would investigate mining projects overseas if he could just find an airline seat big enough for him.
Hungary has unveiled an austerity plan. They’re all going to move to Romania.
Greece’s budget is now back on track thanks to a new super Moussaka tax.
A stolen letter from French philosopher Descartes has been found with the help of a Google search. Similar searches such as “where is Sherghar and Lord Lucan” have been less successful, even using Google Maps.
Kevin Rudd has said he is keen to travel to Perth to talk to miners, but has decided he needs to a bit of fresh air and he will walk there.
A 32 year old circus acrobat in Queensland has been accused of infecting women with HIV. Women are being told to avoid having sex with any lycra-clad man they find hanging upside down from the bedroom ceiling.
A gladiator graveyard has been unearthed in England, although sadly, Russell Crowe has since been spotted in New York.
Confidence amongst many business leaders has slumped. Many have got sore noses and rashes from bad colds and don’t like being seen in public at the moment.
Wheel of Fortune hostess Adriana Xenides is to be honoured in Sydney this week. Thousands are expected to attend the service, with a chance to win a car or an $18,000 vacation.
The number of jobs advertised last month has increased again, thanks mainly to vacancies in the NSW cabinet.
Scientists have used an electron microsocpe to discover the slowest moving object in the universe. It’s Kevin Rudd heading to Perth to talk to the miners.
Japan’s new Prime Minister Naoto Kan says he will refocus on a productive economy by banning karaoke on weekday nights.
Google launches its Chrome operating system later this year. People will be able to get a copy from the secret Google van parked outside the front of their house.
Google Street View HQ - Wahroonga branch
Naked short selling is no longer permitted in Germany, except on certain beaches and in the parks.
May was the worst month for deaths in Afghanistan. Barry O’Farrell blames unflued gas heaters.
Five Australians are still being held by Israeli authorities although Sarah Ferguson has told Kevin Rudd she can get him access to them for $50,000.
Israel is to deport all foreign activists, using fake Australian passports.
Catholic Priests who have ignored their vow of chastity have been uncovered after numerous women loved and abandoned by the Priests pleaded for them to come back on Richard Mercer’s Love Song Dedications.
A report says there is evidence that Facebook is having too much influence on society. The Prime Minister Kevin Rudd said he likes this.
There are now 90 million cane toads in the Northern Territory. That’s a lot, but they’re still a lot better looking than the people up there.
The 90 million cane toads are to be shown in the latest Australian Tourism ad, to encourage the French to come here and eat them.
Many people are asking if you can read a book on an iPad. The answer is yes, but it’s still more comfortable to read a book on the sofa.
There are security fears at the World Cup. Organisers fear Israeli helicopters might stop players moving in to their half.
Al Gore is to divorce his wife. He has said she is an inconvenient spouse.
David Campbell has said he will stay in parliament and do everything to protect his seat, unless someone asks nicely.
A Chinese company has launched the iPed, a slightly cheaper version of the iPad because it misspells many werds. Apple will soon launch a phone you can eat (iPud) and urinate into (iPid) before eventually running out of ideas – and vowels.
The final episode of LOST has been aired in the US. The survivors discover they have been living in the car park at Macquarie shopping centre.
An offshoot of the Reserve Bank has been selling plastic money to Indonesia claiming the money is easier to launder without going soggy.
Julie Bishop has been declared unfit to serve in government. She is believed to have taken a sudden holiday, checking in to the Hotel Bora Bora under the name Gladys Netanyahu.
The Socceroos beat New Zealand 2-1 this week, but only because both teams were playing at home.
Tony Abbott has been banned from casinos because he’s too good at bluffing.
Attempts to rename the Gulf of Mexico fell apart after it was discovered that The Black Sea and The Dead Sea were already taken. The Thick Sticky Sea is awaiting a trademark.
Three missing bushwalkers have been found in the Blue Montains after being lost for several days. They would have been LOST for longer but there was a writers strike.
A plane bound for Wagga Wagga was forced to return to Sydney when the passengers lost interest in the idea.
David Campbell tried to come out during the F3 debacle when he said he liked his traffic “backed up” and eventually suggesting they should “try going up another carriageway.”
Trees in Ku-Ring-gai will be grown 40 feet taller to preserve the aesthetics of the area as 8 storey apartment blocks are built in coming months.
The waiting list for elective surgery has increased. Elective surgery is only conducted every three years in the backroom at polling booths. It can lead to complications, such as voting for The Greens.
According to fashion designers the Gulf of Mexico is the new black this season.
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