A Bit Of The Other

The News, Not Reality

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Obesity Caused Ship To Topple

January 18th, 2012 · News

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  • The truth of the Costa Concordia disaster is out. Apparently it went close to an island and all the obese cruise passengers moved to one side of the ship to look out the window.
  • Anti-whalers have warned the Japanese that the next time they board a vessel they’ll have the Italian Captain Francesco Schettino with them.
  • Andrew Wilkie and Julia Gillard are at odds over whether pokie reforms should go ahead. Wilkie has suggested they flip for it.
  • Julia Gillard misunderstood the scheme, thinking mandatory pre-commitment scheme meant everyone had to play the pokies.

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Remains Found in Sandringham. Anyone Seen Fergie?

January 3rd, 2012 · News

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  • Human remains have been found at the Queen’s Sandringham Estate. There were rumours that it could be Fergie, but apparently the remains look more human than that.
  • Samoa has moved onto the other side of the international date line in a desperate bid to distance itself from the US economy.
  • Pets entering Britain no longer have to be quarantined for rabies. But the rule still applies to the French.
  • Kim Jong-Il has died after a relatively short life. He was just 5 foot 3.
  • The UN says there is hope that with the passing of Kim Jong Il the North Korean fashion industry will be able to move beyond khaki green.

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Berlusconi hits the bottom – Julia Gillard’s bottom.

November 17th, 2011 · News

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  • Australia has offered to help Europe get out of debt whilst Silvio Berlusconi just wants Julia Gillard to get out of her trousers.
  • Barack Obama will give an address to Australian parliament today. Julia Gillard asked him if he had Berlusconi’s address.
  • Berlusconi has stepped down as Italian Prime Minister to spend more time with his children and their respective mothers.
  • Mario Monti has formed a new government in Italy to tackle the debt crisis. The new government will save a fortune by removing the cost of elections and other aspects associated with democracy.
  • Monti said his role is to get the country out of debt through austerity measures and territorial expansionism – oh shit, did I say that out loud?
  • Italy’s borrowing costs are now charged 7 percent interest. Amex has offered 5 percent for six months with frequent flyer points thrown in.
  • Monti said the debt issue is worsened by pre-commitments to future Bunga Bunga parties.

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Ian Thorpe’s Comeback Failure – He Forgot to Come Back

November 9th, 2011 · News

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  • Ian Thorpe failed in his comeback at the FINA World Cup when he swam to end of the pool, but forgot to come back.
  • Silvio Berlusconi has lost his majority in parliament. He said it’s the first time he has experienced humiliation without the use of whips, bondage and high heels.
  • Boxer Joe Frazier died this week aged 67. He died of complications to his liver. The complication was his liver was lodged behind his left nostril.
  • News Corp has launched an iPhone app that secretly records your conversations, for minor celebrities disappointed that they haven’t been hacked.
  • Conrad Murray has been found guilty of killing Michael Jackson. It is believed to be the first time anyone in the US has been prosecuted for killing a black man.

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Holden says fluffy dice will still be designed here

November 3rd, 2011 · News

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  • Holden is to move design of the Commodore overseas. However design of the fluffy dice hanging from the rear view mirror will remain in this country.
  • The High Court in London has ruled that Julian Assange should be extradited to Sweden. His defence is that whatever he’s guilty of he has already served his time, having spent the first 16 years of his life in Townsville.
  • It is possible that Sweden will send Assange to the US, on a ship he will have to construct himself out of 24 pieces of pine and an Allen key.
  • Julia Gillard has urged European leaders to act on the region’s debt crisis. In a vote at the G20 the other 19 leaders unanimously agreed that they didn’t know who the hell she was.
  • The Occupy protestors camped outside St Pauls cathedral have been urged to move on, or the church will get Cliff Richard to stage a concert there.
  • The UK’s Daily Telegraph reported this week that thermal imaging proved that only one in ten tents outside St Pauls cathedral were occupied by protestors at night. However military expects have dismissed the claim, saying it is impossible to believe anything you read in The Daily Telgraph.
  • Tony Abbott has tabled a discussion paper on problem gambling, which suggests a complete ban on using poker machines when a club is closed. Unless someone really wants to.

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