An overhaul of the law will remove “artistic purpose” as a defence for child pornography, but won’t stop Ken Done getting away with selling grotesque floral dresses to middle aged women in the name of art.
The Greek Prime Minister George Papendreou is to meet Barack Obama. He plans to dress down, camp on the steps of the White House and ask “can you spare some change please?”
Tony Abbott said on 60 minutes that he is threatened by homosexuality. So much so that he refuses to wear his pair of Speedos that has a hole in the back.
Rupert Murdoch has urged Arab leaders to lift censorship to enable their citizens to unleash their creativity. If they listen to him he might try the same thing with China, then possibly, Stephen Conroy.
WHO are to unveil landmark anti-malaria measures. Also this week in WHO more Lara Bingle photos.
Britain is being taken over by a damaging super-weed. So far the Japanese knotweed grows a meter a month. Although it is unpopular with gardeners it is still ahead of Gordon Brown as preferred prime minister.
Tony Abbott is working on a plan for a free Guiness for St Patricks day, a lifetime of chocolate for everyone, to be announced on Easter Sunday and free flights on a giant spaceship for Independence Day.
The ANZ Job Index jumped 19% in February, which is great but who wants to work for ANZ?
Today is International Womens Day. People all over the world are being urged to dress up as women, even Belinda Neal.
Belinda Neal has lost her seat on the Central Coast but today puts on her bikini to start shooting the new Tourism Australia campaign “don’t you know who the f**k we are”
Kevin Rudd has thanked Belinda Neal, particularly for no longer being a Labor candidate.
Brendan Fevola is being sued by 5,000 people whose nude photos taken outside the Opera House have been passed around his AFL team mates.
Demographers predict even with a 40% increase in Australia’s population by 2050 Iggy Pintado will still run out of Twitter followers within a decade.
Voters have warmed to Kevin Rudd’s health policy. On average they are 4 degrees warmer and have been told to stay at home and drink lots of fluids.
Under Rudd’s reforms the health system will be centralized in Canberra. He’s going to build one mega hospital, with a lake in the middle, and close all the rest.
There has been flash flooding in Queensland. A flash flood involves posing naked for Spencer Tunick alongside a swollen river bank.
The US has issued a new $100 note, although given the state of the economy it is only worth $87.
A new study has concluded that dinosaur extinction was caused by an asteroid and not, as earlier thought, because they took up smoking.
Growth in Australia’s building industry has slowed. The slower pace of growth has been blamed on a “smokeo, too much grog the night before and time spent perving at the woman sunbathing next door”.
Flood waters have receded in Queensland, leaving sixteen boats filled with asylum seekers marooned on high ground.
The greens have asked for laws to change to increase the number of women on boards. Tony Abbott has said surfing is a man’s sport and the only time a woman needs to see a board is when she’s doing the ironing.
Bob Geldof has protested against claims that the best thing he did for Ethiopia was agreeing not to take the Boomtown Rats on tour there.
Boeing is to close its plant in Bankstown. Workers have been asked to leave by the nearest exit, located at the front and rear of the factory.
Kevin Rudd plans for the federal governments to take over hospitals, although surgeons will still be used for some of the more tricky operations.
Macdonalds could soon be selling Weight Watrcher meals. Staff are being trained to upsell with “do you want another lettuce leaf with that?”
Tony Abbott was lost for six hours on a quad bike ride in the Northern Terrtiory until some bastard went and found him.
Californian Attorney General Jerry Brown has entered the race to replace the Governator in California, although if he wins Schwarzenegger is vowed to go back in time and kill everyone who votes for him.
An AFL player released a naked photograph of Lara Bingle. One of the most popular searches on Google this week has been “where the bloody hell is it?”
Australians whose stolen identities were used for travel by Mossad agents are to sue the Israeli government for the frequent flyer points.
The Reserve Bank pushed interest rates up again just because they like saying “basis points”.
Scientists studying nanotechnology have redefined the shortest measurable period of time as that measured between an RBA announcement and the first rate hike from one of the big four banks.
John Howard will become President of the International Cricket Council in two year’s time. The ICC said it was part of a move to make the game even less interesting.
Toyota is releasing a hybrid of its popular Corolla. Like its popular Prius it will avoid wasting fuel by refusing to brake when you want it to.
The BBC is making major cutbacks. To start with it’s decided not to bother broadcasting to Scotland anymore.
A NASA scientist says the Chilean earthquake shifted the Earth’s axis slightly and shortened the day. The immediate impact of this was that some shows on Channel 7 finished later than their scheduled time. There’s no word on why this happened every other day of the year.
The government has abandoned its bungled home insulation program. Instead it will be sending everyone a woolly jumper with a warning not to stand next to an electric lamp.
The Panthers, Australia’s largest licensed club, is expected to report an $11 million loss, although they are trying to win some of that back on the pokies.
President Obama is planning a dramatic reduction in the US nuclear arsenal. His predecessor had also considered the option, by firing them all at Iraq.
Grant Denyer posed nude at Spencer Tunick’s Opera House photo shoot. Many in the crowd said he looked much smaller in real life but it was probably the cold weather.
Argentina is once again laying claim to the Falklands. In negotiations Gordon Brown has reiterated that the Falklands is British, but was prepared to offer them Wales.
China’s President Hu has signed up to Twitter. Bhutan’s King Jigme Khesar Namgyal Wangchuck also tried it but ran out of characters after he typed in his name.
Karl Stefanovic is caught looking at Miranda Kerr pictures at work – the video proof:
The Dalai Lama has also joined Twitter. He said he wants to be closer to the spiritual home of Iggy Pintado.
Kerry Stokes is merging his Wes Trac mining equipment company with Channel Seven. The Martin Place studios will be moved to the Pilbara and under a revised contract the Sunrise team will be used as scab labour in times of mining disputes.
NSW Transport Plans will now be published on Mondays and Wednesdays, except public holidays.
1,000 troops have died in Afghanistan. Authorities blame a faulty accelerator pedal.
This is organ donation week. Leave your spare organs in the bins provided at all Westfield car parks.
British Airways cabin crew are threatening to walk off the job. The union is providing parachutes for staff should they be mid-flight when the walk-off occurs.
Most British people think the war in Afghanistan is unwinnable, but it’s still better odds than winning the World Cup.
Peter Garrett has said he has no plans to record an adaption to the Midnight Oil hit “how do we sleep when our roof is burning”.
Malcolm Turnbull has denied speculation that he was driving the truck that nearly took out Tony Abbott on the Hume Highway yesterday. The fact it missed supports his argument.
Despite a $250million reduction in licence fees television networks are still forecasting a drop in profits this year because of the rising costs of entertaining government ministers.
The Bali Nine will cease to become an election issue later this year. However, the remaining Bali Six will be.
The US believe they have caught the Taliban’s top military commander after arresting someone who fits the police description of a “middle aged man of middle eastern appearance”.
Toyota is to recall the Corolla because of steering problems with it’s cost-cutting shopping cart technology. One owner has also asked for a recall because of a sticky radio preset button, but confessed he did spill Lime cordial on it.
The New Zealand activist who jumped onto a Japanese harpoon ship is said to be in good health. Officials say it’s because of a healthy diet of raw whale meat.
The government is to halve the number of homeless people living on the streets by encouraging them to sleep in parks.
In a street taste test in Tehran, 65% of Iranians couldn’t tell the difference between enriched and non-enriched uranium.
Readers Digest has gone into administration in the UK. There is a rescue plan which involves reprinting editions from 15 years ago, roughing them up a bit and selling them to doctors’ surgeries.
Toyota is to abandon any further moves into the Luge market after acceleration problems with its early model.
To make the winter Olympics safer the next games will be played entirely on a Wii.
Tolls are removed today from the M4, although anyone stopped for more than 15 minutes in traffic will have to get a parking ticket from newly installed pay and display machines.
Pauline Hanson is moving to the UK after hearing that, last year, they had a white Christmas.
An activist has jumped on board a Japanese whaling vessel. In a statement he said it was to complain about the shoddy standard of the Japanese car industry.
Further errors have been found in the latest scientific report on climate change. The melting of Himalayan glaciers has been changed from 20:35 to 2035. The glaciers were still there at 21:10 yesterday evening.
The tax office will be able to raid homes if they believe people are withholding tax information. Several people have returned home to find their front door bashed down and their finance paperwork bound and catalogued in chronological order.
Negotiations continue with Iran over nuclear fuel. They’ve been told they can now enrich uranium to 20%, provided they add 10% ethanol.
Japan’s economy has sped up more than expected, although economists believe it could be because of a faulty accelerator.
Prius owners are being told there is no recall in Australia. Toyota dealers are telling Prius drivers they don’t recall ever selling it to them.
97% of the Great Barrier Reef could be killed off by mass coral bleaching, caused by swimmers who’s hair isn’t naturally blonde.
To try and reduce boatloads of asylum seekers those at Christmas Island will be moved to the mainland, but they’ll have to swim there.
The group accused of kidnapping children from Haiti have now confessed they weren’t doing it for God, they were doing it for Angelina Joli.
Even though this is now the Year of the Tiger there are less than 50 wild tigers left in China. Conservationists have unintentionally mown the rest down with their out of control Toyota Prius’s.
The government is urging people to take the swine flu vaccine because they’ve got so much of the stuff. They’ve also got some smallpox innoculations and can do a dengue fever at 75% off the regular price.
Michael Jackson’s doctor has been found guilty of manslaughter after admitting helping the 50 year old singer sleep with a dose of propofol, and a pillow over the face.
The space shuttle Endeavour blasted off today to finish the building of the International Space Station. It’s been under construction since 1998 and Kevin McCloud from Grand Design says it’s over budget because they didn’t listen to the architect and decided to project manage it themselves.
Tony Abbott has said his daughter’s virginity is a gift, which means it can only be given away at Christmas or on someone’s birthday.
Three bull sharks have been found in Sydney Harbour. There is a fear that they have come into the harbour with the intention of attacking Indian students.
Australian women will be able to make better choices in men after the government released a controversial ranking table to be published on the My Husband website.
Toyota will recall a mass of vehicles because of faulty accelerator pedals. A spokesman said the cars are fine so long as you drive backwards.
Pedals have also been causing problems with Hyundai cars. A spokesperson said the pedals work fine if you just put the chain back on.
Barack Obama is to create hundreds of jobs employing more people in the treasury to count how big the deficit has become.
Tony Abbott is narrowing the margin on Kevin Rudd in the opinion polls. KRudd is now so desparate he will wear Speedos on his next weekly spot on Sunrise.
Finance Minister Lindsay tanner has admitted some Australians are racist “but it’s mainly the wogs” he said.
Barack Obama is to abandon plans to return manned missions to the moon and instead, will look for other places to keep Guantamo Bay detainees.
More British men are having their man boobs removed because they couldn’t stop playing with them and they were forgetting to go out to work.
A survey has shown that three quarters of British children believe in extra-terrestrials, although its possible they are confusing them with the French.
Channel 10’s “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?” has been deemed too high brow. Instead “Are You Smarter Than a Channel 10 Newsreader?” will present an easier challenge for contenders later this year.
AC DC won their first Grammy, even though most awards went to rap and hip hpop bands. A spokesperson said it was given in error because they meant to give it to a rapper called MC-DC.
DNA testing on Tutankhamun has shown that the Egyptian pharaoh is Bert Newton’s father.
Steve Jobs has launched the iPad. Women who have tried it have said it’s not as comfortable as the pads they currently use.
The iPad will transform how we read newspapers. Extensive testing has shown that the iPad can survive being wrapped in cellophane and chucked onto your driveway by a newsagent travelling at 30km/hr.
Inflation has reached 2.1% according to analysis of a “basket” of goods. The sample is deemed to be unrealistic because most people use trolleys.
Comedian Ricky Gervais has told the Sun newspaper that he will never do a Hollywood sex scene, even though he’s tried asking a lot of people.
Another boatload of asylum seekers has been intercepted. This time it was intercepted in two by a Japanese whaling vessel.
Tony Abbott has said people should not have sex before marriage because it’s rude to keep people waiting for the ceremony to start.
2GB announcer Chris Smith has been allowed back on air but told he can’t touch any of the knobs.
Australians will not change the flag, and many still haven’t not changed their southern cross underwear several days after Australia Day.
Barack Obama will stop banks trading in shares, instead asking them to keep customers’ money in a safe place, like under the mattress.
ONE in three Australian children has an online “friend” they have never met in person, a survey has found. It’s Iggy Pintado.
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