A Bit Of The Other

Owners of the newly privatised Mount Everest are to install disabled facilities following an upsurge in visitors with missing limbs. Climbing up the mountain without legs has become commonplace and many more people are returning without them.

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The dramatic increase in seismic activity over recent years is being blamed on Colombian singer Shakira. Scientists developed the theory having noticed the devastation in Jakarta coincided with the release of Shakira’s new single “Hips Don’t Lie”, which contained more booty shaking action than is permitted under Indonesian law.

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In the latest bungle by the Defence department, troops destined for East Timor have inadvertently been sent to East Lindfield on Sydney’s North Shore. The 1,300 troops are cracking down on jaywalking offenses along Allambie Avenue while the paperwork is sorted out for their transfer to Dili.

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Long queues are forming as Australia faces a shortage of childcare places. Some kids are well into their twenties before they can be admitted.

The government, currently on the last leg of a world tour, blames procreation for the crisis, brought about by bad TV and rising petrol prices. But the real reason could be that kids are just too big.

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Beaconsfield Miners Todd Russell and Brant Webb have said they were ready to cut off their own legs to escape the five hour interview with Tracy Grimshaw. This news in the same week that another gold-digger, Heather Mills, hacked off a leg to escape a continuing marriage to Paul McCartney.

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John Howard is pushing for debate on nuclear energy as a means to reduce global warming, despite warmer weather becoming increasingly popular amongst holiday makers.

Critics claim that nuclear energy is not safe, with radiation leaks capable of creating genetic mutations of a type not seen since the Finnish entry to the Eurovision song contest.

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Macquarie Bank CEO Allan Moss is disappointed with the $21.2million he earned in the year to March 31 2006. His salary amounts to just $40 per minute, compared to the rumoured $150 per minute earned in just two weeks by each of the two Beaconsfield mine survivors.

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The defence department admitted that it has mislaid Brendan Nelson, who was to apologise for losing the report about how they mislaid the body of Private Jake Kovco. Defence officials said that Brendan Nelson was driven to the press conference by a private contracting business based in Kuwait. Attempts to contact the business failed when the department lost the phone number and couldn’t find Kuwait on Google Earth.

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Australian customs officials will be on alert to check the Prime Minister’s luggage for nuclear waste when he returns from Washington later this week. Under pressure from George Bush to take back spent nuclear fuel it is rumoured that John Howard is using visits to the US to bring back the waste in his personal luggage. Officials will be conducting a detailed search of the PM’s Boogie Board bag.

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David Hicks is to be sent from Guantanamo Bay to solitary confinement in Beaconsfield Mine in a special deal with the US government. The pressure is on to remove all prisoners from Camp X-Ray and return it to its former use as a Club Med resort.

Beaconsfield Mine is likely to remain closed, despite high demand for gold for the Beijing Olympics and to pay Eddie MacGuire’s salary.

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