A Bit Of The Other

David Hasselhoff, David Hasselhoff’s biggest fan, has been prevented from boarding a British Airways flight because he had difficulty standing up. Although this could be alcohol induced, doctors believe he might have a rare condition called “ego-incrementus-insantias”, where the sufferer’s body can no-longer bare the weight of his own positive self-perception.

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The Attorney General has raised concerns that Humpty Dumpty might have been an early suicide bomber, and the falling off the wall incident could incite others to join the Jihad. It is one of many books he now wants banned in Australia, along with the suspicious looking Baa Baa Black Sheep and the Grand Old Duke of York who has amassed an army of 10,000 men.

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Kim Beazley has reversed his opinion on Uranium Mining, but has agreed to keep Labor party members in touch by restricting complete policy reversals to no more than one a day, hoping to offset claims he is making things up as he goes along.

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World leaders and fashion commentators have condemned Saddam Hussein’s diet as irresponsible and a bad influence on impressionable young women. He is looking thin and pale having followed a diet that involves eating no food whatsoever. The diet, made popular in the early 90s by Callisa Flockhart, could kill the dictator or, at the very least, make him require a new wardrobe.

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Alexander Downer has said the situation is worsening all the time and Australia should be prepared for more casualties.

Speaking for the first time about Channel Nine’s “Dancing on Ice” the Foreign Minister has said that plans are being progressed to evacuate the remaining contestants, who are yet to be cut to shreds, sever a tendon or lose a limb.

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Robert Brooks, the chairman of the Hooters chain of restaurants has been found dead at his home. He is believed to have suffocated to death.

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Australians trapped in Lebanon will be smuggled out of the country in Ian McLachlan’s wallet.

The wallet was recently emptied, revealing the documented conversation between John Howard and Peter Costello, as well as the Dead Sea Scrolls, Malcolm Turnbull’s share certificate for Offset Printing and a holiday postcard from Harold Holt. The entire contents of the wallet are to be published by in 24 volumes by Encyclopedia Britannica.

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Israeli police and soldiers are trying to locate those responsible for the Hezbollah’s capture of 2 soldiers. They describe the men they are looking for as being “of middle eastern appearance”.

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Amanda Vanstone is embroiled in an animal cruelty scandal that involves a South Australian piggery. There are claims that pigs are kept in crowded conditions after it was discovered that the piggery was also being used to house 5,000 Afghan refugees.

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John Howard is said to be ready to put an end to Costello’s professional life by making him Governor General. Such a move would make Costello instantly forgotten about, helping Howard to retain control of Australia and, eventually, with George Dubya Bush, the world.

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