A Bit Of The Other

Homeless people are getting jobs in the finance industry as the easy road to government handouts. Jeremy Coleman spent 15 years living on the streets before deciding to set-up a hedge company on the edge of Centennial Park.

With no business skills whatsoever he was quickly able to rake up $10 billion in debts selling shares for less than he bought them for. “I didn’t realise trading was so easy” he said. “You make millions then, if things go pear shaped, the government bails you out. Capitalism is a wonderful thing”.

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Malcolm Turnbull, the new federal opposition leader, insists he had a hard upbringing and can relate to real people (unless they are state school educated). During his youth he was forced to live in an eastern suburbs apartment with limited views of the harbour and the ocean barely visible from seven of the bedrooms.

“I’ve suffered” he said to the press this week, referring to a pimple he had during his early teens. He then faced a barrage of questions but walked away when he saw someone more useful to talk to.

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The Republican party still stands a chance of winning the US Presidency because John McCain is still alive. Many observers are concerned about his age though. Demographers say that by 2050 almost half the population will be over 60, but John McCain will be 118.

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Police are looking for the NSW Premier who left this morning on a fact finding trip on the Sydney public transport system. He was believed to be heading westwards, where the service is blighted by irregular trains, dilapidated rolling stock and regular reports of passengers dying from starvation or dehydration.

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