A Bit Of The Other

There was a drive-by shooting at Bondi Beach yesterday. Police haven’t ruled out vigilantes trying to wipe out middle aged men wearing speedos in public.
The price of oil has dropped because anyone wanting some can just scoop it out of the Timor Sea.
Madonna is to build a school for unprivileged Malawi children. The school will [...]

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Here’s the week’s news, lifted off this site and read out for you. Ideal if you want to catch the intended inflexion, the subtlety of tone, or if you’re illiterate like Steve Fielding.

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Wayne Swan is to simplify the tax system by taking all your salary and giving you some back as pocket money each week, but only if you tidy your room and mow the lawn.
Residents of Sydney’s north shore say cables on the new broadband network should go underground. They’ve were going to ask for cables [...]

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The shooters party has been offered a deal that would allow the shooting of animals in 13 national parks. If successful it could be extended to include the shooting of bushwalkers and cyclists.
Volkswagen is to buy Porsche. The VW Golf will now be pronounced Golfa.
Barack Obama is to replace the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” approach [...]

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The extent of overcrowding at the detention centre in Christmas Island became clear yesterday when Kevin Rudd announced future asylum seekers will be kept on an island in the Duck Pond at Centennial Park.
Murdoch has revealed how he intends to charge for news. Good news will be slightly more expensive than bad news and readers [...]

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Nathan Rees has admitted he doesn’t know what to do about traffic congestion, but thinks red traffic lights might be slowing everyone down. He’s going to change the globes tonight when no-one’s looking.
Peter Costello has officially resigned, but expects to still make resignation announcements in the future, in case anyone missed it.
The old citizenship test [...]

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A mum could be charged with assault after disciplining her nine year old daughter with a wooden spon. The women could face the maximum penalty of being sent to her room without any supper.
Men who smoke pot are more prone to premature ejaculation according to a survey. The survey responses took a while to analyse [...]

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A homemade bomb exploded in Sydney’s southwest last night. A witness said there were toilet rolls, pipe cleaners and sticky-backed plastic everywhere.
Kyle Sandilands got a priest to expunge him of evil on first radio show back after his suspension. “What a lovely day for an exorcism” he said before turning his head 360 degrees and [...]

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After breaking into Hotmail and Yahoo hackers have now broken into Australia Post. A delivery worker suffered from exhaustion after several people on his run received more than 5,000 pieces of spam mail yesterday.
Vegemite have announced Cheesybite as the new name for their iSnack. Not cheesy-byte or Cheesybite 2.0, just plain Cheesybite. I think they’re [...]

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Australia has been ranked second for quality of life. Norway came first because “quantity of fjords” was one of the key judging criteria. Iceland came third and would have beaten us if it wasn’t for Bjork.
RBA Governor Glenn Stevens has just whispered to the executives of the Big Four Banks “ppssst, interest rates have gone [...]

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