Biggest Ash Cloud Since Brando’s Cremation
- A Chilean volcano has created one of the biggest ash clouds since Marlon Brando’s cremation.
- Nicola Roxon said she invited tobacco chiefs to a fundraising dinner by mistake. She asked, to avoid identification, if they could wear plain brown paper packaging over their heads.
- CEOs are sleeping out tonight to support the plight of homeless people – like Eddie Groves.
- Masterchef contestant Mat Beyer has been kicked off the show for obtaining recipes on his smartphone. Judges became suspicious when he presented Angry Bird Casserole.
- Australia is demanding cattle in Indonesia are not detained for lengthy periods without processing after a Four Corners investigation found several cattle on the roof protesting.
- The government is to dump nuclear waste near Tennant Creek. They’ve said if there is too much local opposition they may agree to put it in a container and stick it underground.
- Scientists have created the densest material ever observed, pushing Pauline Hanson to second place.
- A woman, Christine Lagarde, is to head the IMF – a move welcomed by the US Association of Lesbian Hotel Maids.
- Bill Gates is to lead a campaign to vaccinate children in poorer nations. The injection isolates the gene that makes people want to buy an iPad.
- Apple users have found data corrupted after their documents were inadvertantly stored in an iAshCloud.
- Julia Gillard is refusing to meet the Dalai Lama, but only because she thought he was a stuffed toy.
- NASA is sending the first iPhones into space next month. They want to see if Vodafone coverage is any better out there.
- Researchers say a nasal spray could help prevent diabetes. The only side effect of this nasal delivery technology is a permanent erection.
- A lesbian Syrian blogger has been found to be a middle aged American man. In related news it has been revealed that Ruby Rose is actually Kerry O’Brien in drag.
- Police have arrested 17 people on the Gold Coast for Prostitution. Now they’re out looking for people practising witchcraft and will be stoning people for begging.
- Prince Philip turned 90 and announced his memory is going. Soon the responsibility for going round insulting people will rest entirely with Princess Anne.
- A court case collapsed in Britain after a juror and defendant communicated on Facebook. Both will be forced to do community service at Farmville.
Tags: Kerry O'Brien·Masterchef·Nciola Roxon·Princess Anne·Ruby Rose