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Mining tax to push up cost of Clive Palmer’s electroconvulsive therapy.

March 21st, 2012 · 1 Comment · News

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  • Police plan to cut down on drive by shootings in Sydney’s south west by issuing all residents with tasers.
  • Clive Palmer has said Wayne Swan is colluding with satan, who is himself backed by the Obama government, but admits he hasn’t been getting a lot of sleep lately.
  • Doctors warn that the mining tax will have a material impact on the cost of Clive Palmer’s electroconvulsive therapy.

  • The US is to start a new search for Amelia Earhart. They’re using the best technique available for the search – they’ve made her top of the FBI Most Wanted List.
  • Australia’s opal mining is in decline. Experts blame it on a sudden increase in fashion sense.
  • 250 US marines arrive in Darwin in April, the first part of an increased military presence in the region. A spokesperson said, “we know Amelia Earhart is here somewhere”.
  • David Jones was to announce a 40 percent drop in sales today. Unfortunately at the press conference journalists couldn’t find anybody to talk to.
  • Julian Assange is to run for a seat in the Senate. In fact he’ll run wherever the US authorities can’t get him.
  • Filmmaker Jason Russell, famous for his Invisible Children video, has been caught in the street shooting his sequel, “My Invisible Clothing”.
  • He wants 15 million people to masturbate for the capture of Joseph Kony.
  • Dr Rowan Williams has announced he is to retire from the post of Archbishop of Canterbury. The church says it will now begin the search for the next raging homophone.
  • Margaret Whitlam has died. At her funeral Tony Abbott said “it’s a shame it wasn’t Gough”.
  • Friends and family watched as Ian Turpie’s coffin was lifted over his open grave last week, as the vicar announced, “come on down”.
  • The NT government has introduced tough new measures for miners wanting to exploit minerals in national parks. They’ll be asked to buy an annual all-parks pass before they’re allowed past the toll gate.

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1 response so far ↓

  • 1 Green // Apr 12, 2012 at 8:33 pm

    Does Clive need electro treatment ?
    Like the tin man in the wizard of O z is he in need of a ticker?
    I think not , he seems off Worldly in his views
    And only needs more mineral input to maintain a lifelike state ! I do believe in life after death but it in clive’s case it may be compasionate to those who have Migrated to divert Clive to pergatory and aloe Catholic forces to intervene!
    Gareth : very Catholic in tastes and world views