Mining tax to push up cost of Clive Palmer’s electroconvulsive therapy.
- Police plan to cut down on drive by shootings in Sydney’s south west by issuing all residents with tasers.
- Clive Palmer has said Wayne Swan is colluding with satan, who is himself backed by the Obama government, but admits he hasn’t been getting a lot of sleep lately.
- Doctors warn that the mining tax will have a material impact on the cost of Clive Palmer’s electroconvulsive therapy.
- The US is to start a new search for Amelia Earhart. They’re using the best technique available for the search – they’ve made her top of the FBI Most Wanted List.
- Australia’s opal mining is in decline. Experts blame it on a sudden increase in fashion sense.
- 250 US marines arrive in Darwin in April, the first part of an increased military presence in the region. A spokesperson said, “we know Amelia Earhart is here somewhere”.
- David Jones was to announce a 40 percent drop in sales today. Unfortunately at the press conference journalists couldn’t find anybody to talk to.
- Julian Assange is to run for a seat in the Senate. In fact he’ll run wherever the US authorities can’t get him.
- Filmmaker Jason Russell, famous for his Invisible Children video, has been caught in the street shooting his sequel, “My Invisible Clothing”.
- He wants 15 million people to masturbate for the capture of Joseph Kony.
- Dr Rowan Williams has announced he is to retire from the post of Archbishop of Canterbury. The church says it will now begin the search for the next raging homophone.
- Margaret Whitlam has died. At her funeral Tony Abbott said “it’s a shame it wasn’t Gough”.
- Friends and family watched as Ian Turpie’s coffin was lifted over his open grave last week, as the vicar announced, “come on down”.
- The NT government has introduced tough new measures for miners wanting to exploit minerals in national parks. They’ll be asked to buy an annual all-parks pass before they’re allowed past the toll gate.
Tags: Clive Palmer·Jason Russell·Julian Assange·Margaret Whitlam·Rowan Williams·Wayne Swan