Beckham Blows Out Olympic Torch and Makes a Wish

May 23rd, 2012 · No Comments · News

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In new austerity measures in the UK winners at the Olympics won’t get gold medals. They’ll be given a Boots gift voucher.
David Beckham lit the Olympic torch. Well, you can call it a torch, but really it was a rolled up newspaper.
There was an embarrassing moment when Beckham blew out the flame to make a wish.
Tony Abbott enjoyed hearing Craig Thomson’s defence so much that he now wants parliament to go and retry the Lindy Chamberlain case.
Mark Zuckerberg wed his long time girlfriend at the weekend. They’re escaping the crowds with a honeymoon in MySpace.
Mark Zuckerberg was looking forward his wedding night nuptials, but at the last moment the hotel changed their privacy settings.
Facebook will reveal it plans to increase revenue tenfold by allowing unpopular people to buy friends. It has already been trialled with Craig Thomson, who has been buying “friends” by the hour.

Julia Gillard has visited Afghanistan and discovered she stands a better chance of winning the elections over there.

Gillard has also outlined the exit strategy for Australian troops in Afghanistan. Because of defence cutbacks, they’re going to exit by bus.

Robin Gibb died at the weekend. He contracted Saturday Night Fever.

UK parliamentarians deny they are on a witch-hunt against the Murdoch press, but they will dunk Rebekah Brooks in a river to see if she floats.

Schapelle Corby has had her sentence shortened for reasons of mental health. She was driving all the other prisoners nuts.

Qantas is to be split into international and domestic businesses. In-flight seats will be replaced by moving deckchairs on the international business.

Craig Thomson says he was part of a major conspiracy to tarnish his reputation, so he would be forced to make a speech to Parliament, so Qantas could announce 500 job cuts.

Qantas is likely to move more maintenance overseas. Which means it’ll always be safer flying back into the country than it is flying out.

James Hardie made $615m in profits last year, which is not to be sneezed at.

British American Tobacco has introduced cheap cigarettes into the market. They’ve kept the price down by adding 10% ethanol.

Two big disco legends Donna Summer and Robin Gibb have died. Gloria Gaynor has had a full medical checkup and declared “I will survive”.

Italy plans to introduce a dog tax. A similar tax exists in China, but only if it’s served warm.

For the first time the number of non-white babies in the US outnumbers the number of white babies. Tiger Woods says he has nothing to do with it.

NASA says there are 4,700 asteroids in our solar system with the potential to strike earth, Qantas said that’s 4,700 opportunities for further redundancy announcements.

North Carolina has voted to outlaw gay marriage, unless they are siblings.

Facebook shares are set to plummet. Analysts say if Facebook was a country it would be Greece.

Facebook is now a place to waste money as well as waste time.

Officials in London plan to use high-pitched and painful sounds to disperse large crowds at the Olympics this summer. But all that changed when Robin Gibb died.