Violence against women in Afghanistan to drop when ADF pulls out
- Ritual abuse of women is one fact of life that will disappear from Afghanistan, the moment the Australian Defence Force pulls out.
- Petrol prices have fallen giving consumers confidence that, if they don’t have enough for their mortgage, they can at least afford to torch their house for an insurance claim.
- Liberal party officials have denied that one of the people watching a ritual execution in Afghanistan – and doing nothing about it – was Sophie Mirabella.
- Grafton jail is to close. Instead prisoners will just be sent to Grafton.
- Large parts of Australia, including many suburban locations, are to be declared a protected area and managed by their traditional owners – the Lowy family.
- Heavy rain is expected during the Olympics. Meteorologists said it’s because the games are being held in London.
- Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, has flatly rejected requests to have anti-terrorist missile launchers placed on her head during the Olympics. Instead, they’re to be placed on an ugly block of flats.
- Officials said angry residents in the apartment blocks misheard them. They said they had missile launchers trained on their apartment blocks, and terrorism was nothing to do with it.
- Adele has surprised everyone by announcing she was pregnant. Everyone had just assumed she was fat.
- South Korea says it can discover the Higgs-Boson particle – and other vital scientific discoveries – by hacking whales to pieces.
- Julia Gillard has been called white trash by a heckler at a community forum in Brisbane. Although, to be fair, he could have been talking to anyone in the audience.
- In the Holmes-Cruise divorce Katie Holmes is to get full custody of common sense. Tom Cruise gets to keep the spaceship.
- Tom Cruise is now looking for a leading lady for Marriage Impossible 4.
- The UK government’s plans to introduce a minimum price on alcohol have been attacked by ugly, fat people who say it removes their only chance of having sex.
- The Meat and Livestock Association (MLA) has ditched Sam Neil from its advertising after research showed viewers preferred a spokesperson who looked more like Hannibal Lecter.
- The MLA became upset when he refused to agree to a barbecue scene at the end of Jurassic Park 2.
Tags: Adele·Higgs Boson·Katie Holmes·Sam Neil·Sophie Mirabella·Tom Cruise