Opening Ceremony Tickets Still Available

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LOCOG has released more seats for the Olympics opening ceremony. The tickets are heavily discounted, given the event finished a week ago.
The army has been called in at the last moment to fill empty seats at the Olympic stadium.
Al Qaeda has said it’s annoyed to see so many empty seats when tickets were so difficult to come by.
Asylum seekers swam ashore at Christmas Island last night. A spokesperson for the immigration department said they fell a disappointing two seconds behind the qualifying time for a protection visa.
Meanwhile Leisel Jones has failed to cause a splash at the Olympic pool in London. News Ltd journalists said they expected one, considering she was so overweight.
After its successful sponsorship of the London Olympics, McDonalds has agreed to sponsor the UK’s National Health Service.
McDonalds has requested that the Olympic Pool be carbonated and dyed black.
The Queen is tipped to win an Oscar, not for her James Bond role, but for the supporting role of “bored lady doing fingernails during opening ceremony”.

The Queen was asked to do a dope test before taking part in the Olympics. She sent Prince Philip.
NBC said it is excited to be providing Olympics coverage in the US, with coveraged scheduled to start as early as October.
A fast food chain in Sydney has been found to be the source of a Hepatitis A outbreak. People on low incomes contracting the virus may also be eligible for Hepatitis Part B.
E.Coli has mutated into a virus thsat can shorten the name of all other viruses. This latest mutation has been renamed as Eco.li
Mal Brough is to be installed into Peter Slipper’s seat in Queensland. The last person in Slipper’s seat was James Ashby, although he denies the accusation.
The Coles Review into Australia’s submarine fleet has concluded that the fleet is down, down and staying down.
Apple has acknowledged in a statement that its desktop computers are “susceptible to viruses and X!@#$Sax….”
Kathy Jackson is expected to resign from the HSU and move to a house she has bought in Sydney. The estate agent agreed to issue a receipt saying the house was a stationary requisition.
Ford Australia has said it will stop making cars after 2016. No word on what they’ll make instead.
A Darwin man is to sue the manufacturers of firecrackers than burnt both his buttocks. He said he’s not going to take this sitting down.