Opening Ceremony Tickets Still Available
- LOCOG has released more seats for the Olympics opening ceremony. The tickets are heavily discounted, given the event finished a week ago.
- The army has been called in at the last moment to fill empty seats at the Olympic stadium.
- Al Qaeda has said it’s annoyed to see so many empty seats when tickets were so difficult to come by.
- Asylum seekers swam ashore at Christmas Island last night. A spokesperson for the immigration department said they fell a disappointing two seconds behind the qualifying time for a protection visa.
- Meanwhile Leisel Jones has failed to cause a splash at the Olympic pool in London. News Ltd journalists said they expected one, considering she was so overweight.
- After its successful sponsorship of the London Olympics, McDonalds has agreed to sponsor the UK’s National Health Service.
- McDonalds has requested that the Olympic Pool be carbonated and dyed black.
- The Queen is tipped to win an Oscar, not for her James Bond role, but for the supporting role of “bored lady doing fingernails during opening ceremony”.
- The Queen was asked to do a dope test before taking part in the Olympics. She sent Prince Philip.
- NBC said it is excited to be providing Olympics coverage in the US, with coveraged scheduled to start as early as October.
- A fast food chain in Sydney has been found to be the source of a Hepatitis A outbreak. People on low incomes contracting the virus may also be eligible for Hepatitis Part B.
- E.Coli has mutated into a virus thsat can shorten the name of all other viruses. This latest mutation has been renamed as Eco.li
- Mal Brough is to be installed into Peter Slipper’s seat in Queensland. The last person in Slipper’s seat was James Ashby, although he denies the accusation.
- The Coles Review into Australia’s submarine fleet has concluded that the fleet is down, down and staying down.
- Apple has acknowledged in a statement that its desktop computers are “susceptible to viruses and X!@#$Sax….”
- Kathy Jackson is expected to resign from the HSU and move to a house she has bought in Sydney. The estate agent agreed to issue a receipt saying the house was a stationary requisition.
- Ford Australia has said it will stop making cars after 2016. No word on what they’ll make instead.
- A Darwin man is to sue the manufacturers of firecrackers than burnt both his buttocks. He said he’s not going to take this sitting down.
Tags: Al Qaeda·James Ashby·Kathy Jackson·Leisel Jones·Mal Brough·Olympics