Nauru Prepares for Offshore Olympics
- Nauru is to bid for the next Olympic Games. They’ve said most of the events can be processed offshore in Australia.
- Barry O Farrell is to abandon the right to remain silent, although an exception is to be made for Eddie McGuire during coverage of future Olympic Games.
- Australia is to reintroduce offshore processing of asylum seekers. Julia Gillard made the announcement on an early morning walk through Kirribilli in a Vodafone tracksuit.
- New laws will enforce responsible drinking in Kings Cross. Ugly prostitutes are claiming compensation for lost trade.
- Ecuador says it hasn’t granted asylum to Julian Assange and doesn’t know where all these leaks are coming from.
- NASA is still confident that it can send people to Mars. Tony Abbott has asked when it can be done, in case the Pacific Solution doesn’t work out.
- Australia’s athletes have returned home. The Prime Minister went to Nauru to meet them.
- Economists are predicting interest rates will move up next week. This is a clear indication that they will stay where they are or move down.
- Norman Tebbitt has been credited with Britain’s Olympic success, after telling unemployed people in the north to “get on their bike”.
- The Economist has named Melbourne the most liveable city in the world, forcing researchers to double check their figures. Sydney came way down a list because “culture” was one of the criteria.
- Mary Jo Fisher made her final speech before leaving parliament. Before applauding her, everyone on the backbench checked for their wallets and purses.
- UK Prime Minister David Cameron says sport should be available to all and is insisting on building dressage arenas in all council estates.
- Ted Baillieu has said Melbourne could host the Olympic Games in 2028. Athletes will need to arrive by 2023 so they can be processed offshore in time.
- Mitt Romney has decided to pick Usain Bolt as his running mate. He’s asked Obama if he knows anyone who can doctor a birth certificate.
- Britain is to host the next Olympic Games after failing to pass the baton to Rio.
- Athletes attending the Para-Olympics are turning up late for events because they can’t find a parking spot.
- Thousands of drunks have been turned away from the event, even though they were clearly paralytic.
Tags: barry O Farrell·David Cameron·Jo Fisher·Mitt Romney·Norman Tebbitt·Olympics·Ted Bailllieu·Usain Bolt