Nauru Prepares for Offshore Olympics

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Nauru is to bid for the next Olympic Games. They’ve said most of the events can be processed offshore in Australia.
Barry O Farrell is to abandon the right to remain silent, although an exception is to be made for Eddie McGuire during coverage of future Olympic Games.
Australia is to reintroduce offshore processing of asylum seekers. Julia Gillard made the announcement on an early morning walk through Kirribilli in a Vodafone tracksuit.
New laws will enforce responsible drinking in Kings Cross. Ugly prostitutes are claiming compensation for lost trade.
Ecuador says it hasn’t granted asylum to Julian Assange and doesn’t know where all these leaks are coming from.
NASA is still confident that it can send people to Mars. Tony Abbott has asked when it can be done, in case the Pacific Solution doesn’t work out.

Australia’s athletes have returned home. The Prime Minister went to Nauru to meet them.
Economists are predicting interest rates will move up next week. This is a clear indication that they will stay where they are or move down.
Norman Tebbitt has been credited with Britain’s Olympic success, after telling unemployed people in the north to “get on their bike”.
The Economist has named Melbourne the most liveable city in the world, forcing researchers to double check their figures. Sydney came way down a list because “culture” was one of the criteria.
Mary Jo Fisher made her final speech before leaving parliament. Before applauding her, everyone on the backbench checked for their wallets and purses.
UK Prime Minister David Cameron says sport should be available to all and is insisting on building dressage arenas in all council estates.
Ted Baillieu has said Melbourne could host the Olympic Games in 2028. Athletes will need to arrive by 2023 so they can be processed offshore in time.
Mitt Romney has decided to pick Usain Bolt as his running mate. He’s asked Obama if he knows anyone who can doctor a birth certificate.
Britain is to host the next Olympic Games after failing to pass the baton to Rio.
Athletes attending the Para-Olympics are turning up late for events because they can’t find a parking spot.
Thousands of drunks have been turned away from the event, even though they were clearly paralytic.